“This is just the way I am!”

I can’t even count the number of times someone has said this to me when they are talking about an undesirable personality trait, a bad behavior or a way of being that others don’t appreciate.

Have you found yourself saying the same thing? This is just the way I am. I was born this way; I have always been like this?

I have even heard people say, everybody in my family is this way. We all do, say and act this way.

So my question is this one: Does it have to be?

Is it possible that you have been lulled into a false identity?

Think about it this way: have you grown up eating a certain thing, let’s say beets (oh was that too specific?). Now you find yourself all grown up, an adult, you suddenly stop eating beets. Then all of a sudden you realize that you really don’t like beets? You are amazed because as already stated you ate them growing up. Everyone in your family ate them. They were put on your plate and you did eat!

Is it possible that some of these personality traits, bad behaviors or way of being are simply other things that were put on your plate? Perhaps you had the option of eating or not eating or in this case being or not being but chose to be whatever it was that was offered. Perhaps you did not recognize it as an option. Everyone was this way so you also behaved that way. Maybe it was talking to loud to express your opinion (ok yelling). Maybe you’re too pushy in trying to get your way. Perhaps it is how you expressed or didn’t express anger, perhaps it was passivity, perhaps it was drinking, perhaps it was …………………………………………

In every one of these instances instead of being given items to eat, you were given ways to be with others. Albeit unintentionally, all of the ways you were taught to be were not good for you or for the others who have to interact with you.

I will challenge you to start looking first at those ways you are with others that are being complained about. Do these ways really reflect who you are deep on the inside or do they reflect how you have learned to respond? Do the actions/behaviors really fit who you think you are deep inside? For example do you feel that you are loving and kind, yet people complain that you are rude and mean? Do you feel that you are sensitive and helpful yet people are often angry with you? If this is what happens to you, then I would say there is a misfit, a mismatch in your perception of who you are with others and what others are receiving/perceiving from you.

The good news is that it doesn’t have to stay this way. You can snap out of this false identity that you have assumed. It’s not always easy or fast but there is a way out. The first step is with your heart. If you truly want to do good by others your heart will have to change toward them. You will have to want to not hurt, to do no harm to others, even if that means you won’t get your way.

Another first step would be to find suitable role models of the behaviors you want to own. Look to others who have accomplished what you want to accomplish. For example you want to be an encourager? Look at others who are encouraging. Assess what they do that encourages you and then try mimicking that.

In some cases the dysfunction of our childhood are so ingrained that we need professional help (clergy and counselors) to recognize the patterns of our destructive behaviors and to establish a strategy of liberation from them. I urge you to get the help and encouragement you need to be the person you are called to be.